manic-dementia:

You could say he….

Was making some invisible children

(Source: yeah-lemons)

My face feels tighter, more “glowy” like it used to when I first started using proper skin care, or after a really good facial. 

I just got done with 45 min of riding a stationary bike. I walk everywhere, but the tops of my thighs don’t get much exercise, I guess I don’t go uphill or anything much.

The hardest part for me is the moment when I walk up to the gym, and can see that there are people in there. When I was unemployed, it was easy to go at like 3am and avoid the issue, but part of the reason I went from being an active little girl who swam, rollerbladed, and biked constantly to a hollywood pudgy adult who can’t run is because of how vulnerable it makes me feel. The first few minutes of knowing there are people who are going to be seeing me do things that leave me sweaty, frumpy, and out of breath at a level they can maybe double always hit me like ice on the spine. Sometimes I have to do another lap around the block and come back. 

This fear only crops up in situations where I remember I’m not normal. Being around a lot of WASP’s when I was raised by crazy hippies and have no clue how to act. Job interviews. Work, depending on who’s there. Other than me, nearly everyone got the job by being friends with someone who worked there, and nearly everyone has a very mainstream, fashion magazine kind of style while I’m off dressing like a toned down version of my favorite stuff, which usually involves hyphen punk or hyphen victorian or hyphen gothic.

But it shouldn’t pop up at the gym in Wausau, Wisconsin. Being out of shape is more normal here than being in shape. I’m pretty sure they did studies, but I don’t need them to see that there are plenty of women walking down the street who’s bodies have more in common with me than with a fitness model’s.

I just feel like I’m going to break some kind of behavioral code I’m not aware of or trip and fall and knock down a row of bikes and ellipticals or something. I feel like people are judging me because I tend to come straight from doing something else and am wearing lipstick (I wear lipstick pretty much anytime I leave the house. Not wearing it feels weird, like having just gotten a short haircut and being unable to feel your ponytail.), or because I bought cute workout clothes to motivate myself instead of wearing an old t-shirt, or because I have to read the instructions 3 times or…Something. 

Anyone else feel this way?  What are some things that have worked for you?
Don’t say “curves” because A) there is no curves in my town and I signed a contract and 2) It’s all in my head and I want to move past it.

 

I was not raised a christian, nor am I one now. If you are a christian who just wants to live your life and doesn’t try to legislate your personal choices, I’m totally, 100% fine with you, but I HAVE read the bible, and I’m trying to use this post to make a case for why I don’t believe Jesus would have wanted Christian Conservatives to make laws that force those of us who are not Christians to behave as such. I’m trying to choose the simplest, most straightforward bible verses, If you have a different interpretation let me know, but I’m trying to let your holy book, which I admit to a limited understanding of, speak for itself.

1 Corinthians 4:5 “Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.”

Romans 12:19 “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.”

 Luke 6:37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

John 8:7 “So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.”

So we have a lot of verses asking you to let God decide when and how someone should be punished, and asking you not to condemn people for sin, since only god has that right since you, too have sinned and can’t see people’s hearts.
 
Next, I’d like to point out some things which Jesus has to say about what’s in your heart vs. what you do. He makes it very clear that God CAN tell the difference between a person who is truly living his faith because they believe it’s the right thing to do, and someone who lives a certain way because of a desire for a good earthly reputation-

 Matthew 6:1 ”Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.
Mathew 6:2  So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.

Matthew 6:5 ”And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.
 Matthew 6:16 ”When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.
 Matthew 23:5 ”Everything they do is done for men to see: They make their phylacteries wide and the tassels on their garments long;

Jesus suggests that god won’t reward you for attention-seeking behavior or doing good works to be known as a godly person. So then, what do you think Jesus would think of someone forced to obey the laws of god because they were also the laws of man who wasn’t a true believer?

Hebrews 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. 
 Galatians 5:6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
Hebrews 7:19 (for the law made nothing perfect), and a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God.

Of course, Jesus also says that

John 18:36 Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jews. But now my kingdom is from another place.”
 Luke 17:21 nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is within you.”
Which argues even further that making people submit to god’s laws when that’s not what they truly wish to do is meaningless. 

Went back today. My arms are so weak now! But I feel… really good! Kinda like I released something from my body, like you do after sex sometimes.

No one reads this, so I’m thinking about starting to do a personal blog again. That always helped me de-stress and focus on goals more efficiently. 

I’ll try to post something interesting once and awhile.  

So much this. I only lost around 40 pounds this year, but it was one of the most stressful of my life for other reasons. Losing weight is one of the things I’m proud of from this year! Good luck to everyone who starts your resolutions this year. Remember that you need to keep track of what you’re doing. I suggest setting a monthly reminder in your phone to look at your new year’s resolutions, and of course writing a detailed plan on what you’re going to do in order to get there. 

(Source: imdoingithealthy)